Can you be friends with someone your in love with?

[Millicent]

I always thought I could be friends with someone I was in love with,
but I'm actually finding the opposite is playing out in my life at the moment.

Friendship has always been a really important part of my intimate relationships and for the first time I'm finding it seemingly impossible to be "just friends" with my most recent ex. Previously when my relationships have ended there has been no problem in being friends and all my exes are friends of mine, but I was no longer in love with them when we split.

What do you guys think? Any advice or insights?

[Aytakk]

No one expects people to simply be friends right after a relationship ends. It doesn't work that way because people are complicated. It can if the lack of love is mutual but from what I've seen usuallyu when relationships end one person is in love and the other out. It may have been easy for you but for them it may have been tough. I guess now you are seeing the other side.

The main thing people need is closure. People also need to know why it didn't work - nothing worse than a break up over something that either seemed petty or is unknown for dragging all the bullshit out longer. Best to get your cards on the table and tell it as it is.

I think in most cases the best thing for both people is to spend time apart. If someone still has feelings for the ex it will leave hope that the relationship can be rekindled and this drags the pain out even longer. That hope needs to be stamped out. Also people are inclined to play little games if they know an ex is about (ie getting with people deliberately in front of them, forcing friends to choose sides, sabotaging social interaction etc). Usually one person is going to recover and move on sooner than the other but its good to use some tact when doing so. Don't rub their nose in it if you happen to be the one who has moved on first.

I used to be a prick deliberately when breaking up (attack their emotional weak points and make them dispise you) to sever the ties so both of us could get over it and move on faster. I see it as being cruel in the short-term to be kind in the long-term. Over time that approach seems to have worked for me as I'm not on bad terms with any of my exes. That said I'm probably more forgiving than most so I won't feed resentment like many would.

[Kromie]

You can be friends with someone you are 'in-lust' with, but 'in-love' is an impossibility. The emotions are too strong.

[dragoriana]

Short answer, no.

[MaryaBadica]

I guess it can go either way. It depends on who the other person is as well. I broke up with someone I was fully in love with (and still am: being the pathetic desperate girl I am). We decided we would be friends and then he started dating my Best Friend at the time. I tried to keep a friendship going but when I found out some of the stuff he was saying about me (that I was ugly, pathetic and just a laugh) I just simply stoped speaking to him.

What I mean is, we could have been friends. I would have stayed friends with him.
Its just what he did.

Marya

[Our Lady of Latex]

It depends. I truly believe that there are different 'levels' of love.
I know people who managed to swallow down their feelings and be 'just friends' with the person they were in love with. I really admire them, because it requires a special stamina and I look at them thinking they have a special gift.
Personally, some of my best friends today are...ex-bfs!

But then... there are some cases, maybe it happens only once in your life, that somebody will be for you 'like the knife which you turn within yourself" (as Franz Kafka brilliantly said once).

Well, IMO those are the kind of people with whom-alas- you won't be able to be friend with.
I like to call it 'love beyond consciousness' and, no, I don't think it happens that often (luckily?!). But when it does happen...

[GSPOU353(SWE)]

of corpse you can be friends with this person which whom you fancy
however it creates a whole lot of issues...
it´s difficult but possible...

[dragoriana]

Short answer, no.

Ok i might change this a little. I didn't mean to say it was impossible. I meant to say it IS possible, but depending on you, the other and the circumstances, it can completely fuck you over and ruin your life and/or view on men and trust.

There, a proper answer

[Fiend2.0]

I think you can.
The two main problems that seem to come up in relationships (of the romantic and friendship varieties) are due to communication (or lack thereof) and honesty (ditto). If you can sort those two things out, shit doesn't get over-complicated.

[Alejandro]

I don't think it's impossible. It depends on a lot of things, such as how much time you spend together, how considerate of your feelings the other person is, and how needy you are. When my last relationship ended I was only upset for a couple of days, because he and I were able to stay very good friends so I didn't have much to be sad about!

[sunshadow7]

It takes a long damn time of setting boundaries. Am friends with someone who I did love long ago. But yes, it came to the knife edge of "Either get over me, or I'm not speaking to you ever again."

[lyssa]

I don't think you can be friends with someone you are in love with because you are in love with them! Love is a whole different ball game to friendship. Can you say you act the same way around this person as you do with your other friends?

[EtherealRose]

I'm really glad that someone asked this on the forum. I'm going through something very similar myself. The person I was dating decided to get back with their ex. I'm good friends with them now though.

Sometime you just have to move on...

[ThatCreepyMetalHead]

It actually mostly depends on the person, either a friendship works out or you should just sever ties.. Well that is what I believe anyway. For example, if your ex is and always has been a twat, don't expect it to end well. I was hoping I could remain friends with my ex and be on good terms with the girl he left me for after the both of us had moved on, but they both decided to be absolute pricks to me that I was practically forced to give them the boot. Then of course he started trying to get back with me not long after until my dad threatened to break his legs. Haven't heard from him since.

It's kind of hit or miss. Though I only say this from personal experience.

[Pete_Paranoid]

As per blog answer...

I wonder if these spam guys know this isn't USA, and what they're doing is highly illegal?

[Ayami_109]

This thread describes my situation to the letter. I've decided that yes, I will give it a go, but not after a tonne of time apart so everything settles down first. I actually cannot think of a good reason why i'd go as far as completely severing ties for good, unless the person/relationship becomes toxic.

[Pete_Paranoid]

I'm single so I don't feel comfortable about giving out relationship advice. Obviously the reason I'm single is because I'm a psycho and not the fact I haven't met the right person yet.
Anyhow scabs can be the nicest people in the world, but if they are dragging you and themselves down, good bye!
It's unfortunate but as they say "time waits for no man".

[lyssa]

I wonder what happened to the OP's relationship?

[Scott3.0]

Love by nature. Trust by nature. Everything else is just semantics.

[Nay]

i think the core essence is the fact you're in love with them, and if they don't love you back it will hurt. so you are just hurting yourself. you can continue a friendship knowing that you're hurting yourself but that's it.